Archive | May 2014

Fallen away, where do we go from here

Wandering through yet another book, this time Peter Kreeft’s, “Jesus Shock”, I sit paralyzed and torn again. Do I go back? Do we all need to go back? Does he or Teilhard or Merton or Augustine make the case strong enough to convince us that being Catholic is the right thing to do, the right place for us to be? How can we possibly leave that decision up to them – no matter how faithful, scholarly, devoutly mystical they are? If Truth is like I have proposed in earlier posts – which I still believe is actual – then is this Truth found in the Church? Did Peter, Paul and Mary (I should take that out of this post, but I just can’t sorry) have it right? Has the Church been so corrupted all these years – by people – that what is left is far removed from the Jesus of what might have been James’ church? Or…not?

And I have to say it, what of the Eucharist? It is the single most divisive thing in Christian circles, no debate in the early days of Christianity, no debate from Luther or even King James and his Anglicans, do we need to accept that the Eucharist is as the Church contends, the living presence of Christ on Earth and if we do, there is no choice, we have to go back. If Truth is and if the Eucharist is living Truth, the fullness, the completeness of Christ on Earth sent to support and nourish our spirit and keep us connected, by denying ourselves the Eucharist, that communion, we are missing nothing if we don’t believe and everything if we do. Is the Eucharist the most profound, but understated source of our own connectedness to the divine that humans can have?

So Kreeft aptly spells out that Christ is the most divisive character in history and to speak of him outside of very Christian circles is to cause discomfort and embarrassment. It is true, no doubt. His life also split time into BC and AD, who else can claim that? Does he make us uncomfortable because he is that point at which the divine, the beautiful, meets the corrupt – the world – and stays beautiful and because of that, we can’t bear to look at him? To have him in our actual presence? Is that why he hides in a piece of bread so simple, so static, so unmoving but somehow so powerful? And what impact does he have on us? By striking the chord of our soul does he in fact tune us with the divine in some way? Or attempt to if we, like a pliant guitar string, are willing to accept the adjustment versus straining and stretching until we eventually break.

So Christ the seducer tries to win us over, but never forces us to follow him. We accept or we decline and each day – for me at least – seems to be a day of conversion. The Church in all her richness, her history, her beauty could move us, maybe used to move us? Or were we just that much closer to our ancestors who feared for their lives in many cases for not being in line with the Church and so we were still compelled to stay. Are we evolving out of (dare I say) the need of Jesus or are we so much in need that we don’t see it. Are we so addicted to our lives and or to ourselves that we can’t see beyond that we are not the center of the universe. Maybe we are physically evolving and spiritually devolving – that is such a scary thought.

My soul searches constantly, my heart longs achingly and I have felt the touch of the holy spirit in my life and yet I can’t settle down, I don’t fully commit. I keep looking for something better, trying to find the real Jesus as close as my breath, but so far away. I wish I had a simple faith that I could just believe what I am told and be comforted in knowing my rightful place, but for me it is just not that simple. I don’t think I am smarter, holier or more faithful, if anything I am less faithful and I know it.   I am God’s spiritual wanderer and I can only hope I am fulfilling my purpose, his purpose for my life.




Quickening Touch

I slipped into the pew taking the usual posture hoping to break through. To slip into the cloud where I can connect with He who is as close as my breath, but so far I can’t feel Him or touch Him. Mary Magdalene the one who anoints, is it you? Saint John Paul II the Great, can you bridge from this world through the “cloud of unknowing” to the next? I again look outward for what is inward because sometimes inward feels so empty. I pray again this time just listening. In the silence in the church I let go and wait, careful not to contrive my thoughts and careful not to be searching like a roving metal detector sweeping for buried treasure in the sand. I want to know what I know is there just behind the veil of my own mind.

Come Holy Spirit fill the mind of your faithless one, the one who tries maybe too hard while at the same time trusts too little. One who is undeserving none the less hopes for your quickening touch.


Reclaiming Teilhard de Chardin

Reclaiming Teilhard de Chardin.

Sharing because as such, we all stand to fall into the trap of Teilhard being “quoted by the left the way G.K. Chesterton is cited by the right — frequently and to great effect, but often torn from any meaningful context.”

may it not be so….


Etching the Path to Understanding

I must first admit, I am finding myself a bit obsessed with my newly discovered writings of Teilhard, so apologize if I keep referring to his works. I had previously only read “The Divine Milieu” and “The Phenomenon of Man”, now with these additional writings made available to me, I am devouring them all.

I am now focusing my attention on “Let Me Explain”. And I find myself a bit perplexed and intrigued at the same time. My dear Teilhard, your definition of the Catholic condition identifies 3 basic principles; Faith in Personality, Faith in the Divinity of Jesus Christ, Faith in the reality of the Church-phylum. And then you go on to say, He is physically and literally, He who fills things up, He who consummates, and He who gives its consistence to the entire edifice of Matter and Spirit and I like that so much better. It seems to expand so much on your original definition. Why can’t you still be here to discuss this with me?

You go on to say that God is because of his supremely organized complexity. I love that, because all at once you realize it is God you are with in the dance of life. He introduces you to that which begins to take you to a deeper understanding with an intimate knowledge that exceeds your understanding even of yourself. If God is because of His supremely organized complexity then truth is as well. And truth as an organized complexity gives me hope. Does that mean that the great awakening will occur when God Himself organizes the world as a final synthesis?

My God, why is it that I didn’t see?

Because it has been you all along carefully and considerately exposing then hiding the truths that my undeveloped consciousness had the ability to grasp. Again, Teilhard, the piercing directness of your understanding supersedes my longing by etching the path to understanding. There is so much you understood, so much understanding that had to be derived from direct contact with the Divine One.

“From the moment we admit the reality of an answer that comes to us from on high, we in some way enter into the order of certainty.”

The order of certainty? Wrought by “contact of two centres of consciousness no longer an act of cognition, but of recognition.” It is you Teilhard who have brought us to this understanding because it is you who have attained the contact.

It is He, the Divine One that orders the recognition and we, as in the time of Moses have to wait.



This entry was posted on May 23, 2014. 2 Comments

The Rawness of God

I finished reading Teilhard’s “Hymn of the Universe” (thank you William Ockham) about 2:30 AM this morning. I was so taken by the outpouring of emotion that I felt as I was reading it – I felt as if I were reading my thoughts on the page. It was as if Teilhard had somehow gotten into my head and what I was feeling he was so eloquently and passionately writing down and then he took those feelings to another height. I felt like I had been taken back into the womb of creation itself and I couldn’t put it down because it haunted me to continue. From the writing page 17:

“All of us, Lord, from the moment we are born feel within us this disturbing mixture of remoteness and nearness; and in our heritage of sorrow and hope passed down to us through the ages, there is no yearning more desolate than that which makes us weep with vexation and desire as we stand in the midst of the Presence which hovers about us nameless and impalpable and is dwelling in all things.”

How long must I wait? How long must I endure this endless longing? The opening of a poem I wrote somewhere along my path. I flip back and forth from being Catholic to trying to find another path to bring me closer to Spirit and then back again. What do I want? Throughout the Bible Jesus was always asking people what they wanted from him. What is it I want? I want to get beyond the mediocrity of my feelings and see the rawness of God. To get beyond the sacrifice that is a part of Paul’s Church and get to the love that was and is a part of Jesus. I want to know what James knew and know that “Church”. I want to see with eyes that can penetrate all the way back to the realization of who was the Christ then and who is the Christ now. The Christ that was and is in all things at all times surrounding us with a nearness so close we can feel his breath at every moment and yet a remoteness that makes us weep.

This is why I wander knowing he is so close and yet I find comfort in the knowing as I collapse into the bliss of prayer.



Does God “test” us?

Life is just weird…

Had a trying week this past week – don’t get me wrong – over all I can’t complain at all about my life. I know all the right things to do, meditate when you feel like it the least because it is when you need it the most, connect with spirit and trust you are in the right place no matter what the circumstances – it is a life lesson you have to deal with and learn. But sometimes life just tires you out!

I came downstairs early today to mediate and get centered and am still not in the flow, interrupting phone calls, texts, annoying cats and dogs, horses needing to be fed – ok, I’ll do all those things and then try again. I managed a little time to settle down certainly not enough, but again, life is calling. I couldn’t meditate anymore because I am frankly too tired, I need sleep so, I decided to just blog. And then it came to me as it usually does, what I am going to write about? And then it popped into my head –

Does God “test” us? And am I going through a testing period?

After contemplating a bit, I don’t believe so, in order to be tested you have to be being judged and rated in some way. So what would God’s rating system be composed of and what would the scale be? Well, let’s step back, why would God test us? To see if we are worthy? of what? God’s love?

No, I don’t think God tests us, I think that would be antithetical to who or what Spirit is. God is love and that is all, so stuff that happens to us is just the product of our own reaction to our lives and consequently creates the outcome.

I’ve had a trying week – perhaps because that is the way I looked at it and because I need more sleep. Or maybe because I need more sleep that is the way I looked at life this week…yep, I think that is it.