What I am not…

It has certainly been awhile…I have indeed been off in the desert and I wish I could say that I faired even remotely as well as Jesus during his time of His temptation. Is there value in my searching I wonder again and agains. I can finally admit that I have been in the desert tempted most certainly by the devil, but I have failed. I didn’t resist, I was drawn in so easily by the idea of a “new” more enlightened spirituality, a way to break away from the confines of an outdated Church. The devil knows so well my weakness and sweet talks in my ear that he can show me something better. He can show me what Jesus REALLY taught when he walked  the earth…and I am hooked.

I listen, I screen – I am a bit better at discernment than I used to be, but then  the devil ups his game to, so I get sucked in. If I go back to my original question however, is there any benefit to my wandering, why does God allow it, I guess I have to say yes. God gave us free will even though we really can’t handle it. My wandering has given me the opportunity to explore and to go until I hit those dead ends, the places the story ends. So I have learned in my spiritual travels what I am not;

I am not a Protestant of any denomination, a Jew, a Buddhist, a Hindu, a Sufi and now I add, a Gnostic. The promise of understanding the early Church before it became so heavily doctrinal, when people could and did have spiritual experiences that were not in line with Church teachings because the “Church was wrong” became like a shiny object to pursue and grasp at. But in the end it too is a dead end.

Perhaps now I am a little more awed at her wonder, her wisdom, perhaps I can settle in this time more content. I can only hope that when temptation comes again, I have the wisdom to pray for the strength to resist.

St M





2 thoughts on “What I am not…

  1. Your post convinces me that you are being led by Truth, the Holy Spirit, leading you on your journey. The great secret of the spiritual life is that prayer is the ‘Schola divini Amoris,’ ‘The School of Divine love’ and as you continually turn back away from these distractions and back to God you are practising and acting selflessly and therefore learning loving.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. David, thank you for your kind and encouraging comment. I do pray that i could just settle in and find contentment. I know the Church is absolutely rich in resources to help, I have explored many. Where are the spiritual directors that dig deep? I love and enjoyed working with the beautiful souls that I have turned to for spiritual direction, but I still feel I was on the surface of where I want to be. Maybe I am led by my arrogance.


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