It has certainly been awhile…I have indeed been off in the desert and I wish I could say that I faired even remotely as well as Jesus during his time of His temptation. Is there value in my searching I wonder again and agains. I can finally admit that I have been in the desert tempted most certainly by the devil, but I have failed. I didn’t resist, I was drawn in so easily by the idea of a “new” more enlightened spirituality, a way to break away from the confines of an outdated Church. The devil knows so well my weakness and sweet talks in my ear that he can show me something better. He can show me what Jesus REALLY taught when he walked the earth…and I am hooked.
I listen, I screen – I am a bit better at discernment than I used to be, but then the devil ups his game to, so I get sucked in. If I go back to my original question however, is there any benefit to my wandering, why does God allow it, I guess I have to say yes. God gave us free will even though we really can’t handle it. My wandering has given me the opportunity to explore and to go until I hit those dead ends, the places the story ends. So I have learned in my spiritual travels what I am not;
I am not a Protestant of any denomination, a Jew, a Buddhist, a Hindu, a Sufi and now I add, a Gnostic. The promise of understanding the early Church before it became so heavily doctrinal, when people could and did have spiritual experiences that were not in line with Church teachings because the “Church was wrong” became like a shiny object to pursue and grasp at. But in the end it too is a dead end.
Perhaps now I am a little more awed at her wonder, her wisdom, perhaps I can settle in this time more content. I can only hope that when temptation comes again, I have the wisdom to pray for the strength to resist.