Tag Archive | Yeshua

Longing for God Beyond the Edges

I have spent years in the throws of an aching longing for God – about 17 years to be exact. Though not brought up Catholic, I was baptized Catholic and my husband and I returned to the faith when my third child was born and we decided they needed a faith tradition. We became immersed in the beauty of the Church, the mystery the saints, then our faith matured. I went on to delve into the mysticism, gobbling up John of the Cross, Teresa of Avila, St. Francis, Catherine of Sienna and I  think that is when the longing started.  I felt I was endlessly being drawn into the depths of spirit and couldn’t get enough – I was in love with God and s/he with me. We meditated together, rested together, seemed to gaze at each other and like being in love, my last thought of the night was of God and my first thought in the morning the same. Thomas Merton and Teillhard de Chardin came next. brilliant men who expanded spirituality beyond the edges.

My yearning drove me to look and read and revel with delight at all I uncovered. My philosophical mind turned over all the details I would mine and look at all the nuance. And the yearning never stopped, I ached, I pined, I had brief respites of peace, but then the longing would begin again. When would I cease? When would I find what I was looking for? Months turned into years which turned into more years. Spiritual direction and exploration of the stages of faith – purgative, illuminative and unitive. Spiritual exercises of St Ignatius and understanding the shifts between stages of faith – we don’t stay in one stage, we vacillate between them.

Still the yearning, but now reality starts peeking in, seeping in to lift up the corners, shine light on the dark places. The yearning isn’t stopping, I am still being led – pushed – to continue searching. Time with the Redemptorists – a lovely nun told me God gives certain souls a long rope to go exploring, I found comfort in that, but my soul was still restless. Carmelites next, other Christian alternative Gospels – Buddhism – nothing satiated me. An Atheist friend pounding on the Church, pointing out her obvious flaws – defense mechanisms kick in – my defense of Catholicism bolsters my faith not his, interesting turn of events.

It doesn’t last. Patriarchy reigns, prayers changed to more “accurately fit the Latin vulgate,” sex abuse scandal continues, Pope Francis excuses the guilty priests. Churches close, priests ruin parishes and are left unchecked as they rule over their serfdoms, Pope Benedict says women priests would be a more egregious sin than pedophile priests….(Saint) John Paul II knew the extent pedophile epidemic and did nothing – except protect Bernard Law by bringing him to Rome and then giving him a cushy job there. No punishment for the guilty princes.

(what am I doing here?)

Pope Francis says something (though now I forget what) is as useless as a Grandmother.

(Really? Women’s only contribution is motherhood?)

Nothing is working the old prayers are stale, it feels like indoctrination, it feels robotic, cradle Catholics have no idea what they believe in – aside from the big three – 10 Commandments, no abortion and we are all sinners. It begins to feel like a cult. Women priests can not even be DISCUSSED, priests get excommunicated for supporting women in  the priesthood, pedophiles are still being hidden and sentenced to a “lifetime” of prayer.

I give up.

I meditate, I think about Yeshua (less baggage than Jesus). I think a lot about Mary Magdalene and the bad deal she has been given by the boys in the Church – no, she was not a whore ever. She was the Apostle to  the Apostles. I invite Yeshua and Mary to pray with me, I make up my own rituals – I write things on little pieces of paper that I don’t want in my life – debt, negativity etc. – and I burn them in a chalice made of pottery. I ask Yeshua and Mary to help me. I write what I want to bring into my life – greater spiritual awareness – on a piece of paper and bury it like a seed waiting to grow. I still research, but the aching is gone, I feel more peaceful. I find Mary Magdalene in France. A light seems to be going on and I realize, as many times as I went back to the church, the Holy Spirit was actually leading me away. I feel more at peace now, more clear.

The Holy Spirit led me away from the Church and then told me why – Biblical corruption (Yeshua wrote nothing down and said the Holy Spirit would lead us after he was gone), the Romanization of the Church, corruption and power mongers in the Church.

The Holy Spirit is no longer there, Christianity is not what Yeshua taught.

I’ll leave it there. For now. Our Lady of Pontmain (Good Hope) in Marseilles is smiling.

Our LAdy of Pontmain



Hi, it’s me, Jesus…

…but my name is actually Joshua.

Can we start over?

Yeshua correctly translated is Joshua not Jesus. The name of Jesus has so much baggage attached to it, I wonder if Yeshua himself would like to leave it behind and start again. Yeshua means to “cry out to the Lord for help”. Lord is another emotionally packed word that evokes hostility in many because of it’s misuse and even historical, non-religious connotation. What would be it’s replacement? How about awaken in us our connection to our life source? Maybe.

I want to start over, I want help people realize even the Bible is wrought with corruption because it was used by men for gain. I wish we could go back to  the time of Yeshua and hear him again, hear how he values Mary Magdalene and the other women and take his message more seriously, more thoughtfully. As the Gospel of Thomas says, “those with ears to hear”, I want to be one of those who heard.

If I let my mind drift back to that time, if I focus on feeling the fine sand beneath my feet and the dry heat of the day, if I feel the sun on my face and the water in the Jordan river, if I stop to hear what he said, a picture emerges, love emanates from him, he exudes goodness and wholeness. He drew near to us then as I think he does now, if we don’t put words in his mouth, but we just listen. If we don’t busy our communication with one-sided conversation, we can hear him. I can hear him.

They are being fooled by a wolf breathing fire from his nostrils.

I am in his mouth, but his words are not mine.

I love.


Wow, just wow

A spiritual journey takes so many twists, turns and dives you never know where the journey will end.

I stopping writing, I guess temporarily because here I am writing again, when my faith in the Church started to flag again. Honestly, there was a precipitating event that caused it and it was a few months ago so now I can’t even remember what it was!

I looked in my journal, it turns out it was end of December, early January. My sister had moved up here in 2014 from North Carolina, it wasn’t working out, I felt sad, angry and even guilty for bringing her up here, but I know our intentions were well placed etc. etc. There as a poem in my journal and I don’t know if I wrote it or if I found it and wrote it down – I think I must have written it because I usually include the author if I write someone else’s work in my book. Well here it is and it really captures how I was feeling:

In the bleak dark winter all is frozen cold

and still, my heart tho warm beats in a frozen body – a body full of fear

I look out bug-eyed wondering what will come next

Waiting, waiting

I will praise the Lord at all times. 

So my faith flagged again, wondering if the Church was the right place for me, even tho I love her, I wonder. I was seeing a Spiritual Director, a lovely nun who was taking me thru St. Ignatius Spiritual Exercises and it wasn’t helping. I felt disconnected, bored and like this wasn’t the spiritual path for me.

Somehow I found a website and started reading and connecting to a different path and I have wandered enough to know the warning signs of false teaching, I can say albeit to a point, I have learned discernment. I looked for the telltale signs, whether the path was Christ centered – I have long ago accepted that for me Christ is the guy. I love Buddhism, but I strongly believe it is cultural and for many of us in the west, our cultural tradition is Judeo-Christian, it is our root. The things I look for to help me decide if something I have come upon is worth exploring are:

1. Does the leader say he is the way, you have to follow him and do what he says? (Egomania)

2. Do the beliefs of the spiritual tradition at least some what fall into what is considered known and accepted? For example, one faith I am familiar with claims that Christ passed the baton to their leader and he is the new living Christ. Really? I can’t go there

3. Does it resonate with me and ring true and fill gaps, answer questions that have previously been unanswered?

4. If those questions all seem fine (and honestly, it doesn’t take long to sniff out false teaching) then it is time to invest a little more effort into understanding the potential new path

So that is where I am. I have been exploring a new path that for me, is breathing life into my spirituality, seems to bring more depth to my beliefs and answer a lot of questions I have had.

More later, I am not sure what I am going to share.

May the peace and blessing of Yeshua and Mary be with you.

I was going to put a “nice” picture in, but this seemed so appropriate: